thoughts

I've been spending too much time on the net these past couple of days....I hate doing this because it can be such a time waster. It's different if you are doing research or returning emails but when you are just mucking around for 2 hours at a time - well that is too much....at least for me.

Today at school I could barely focus on what I was learning. We were at UBC in the Earth and Ocean Sciences building learned about climate change etc. but I just could not focus on what he was saying. I was so, so tired from staying up way too late last night and no getting enough sleep. I really wanted to take out my book and read it but that would too obvious so instead I just wrote notes to myself about things i need to do and get ready for my classroom. On that note I am happy to say that I WAS hired to work at the Milad's school in Coquitlam! I am going to be teaching a 3/4/5 class and I am so excited about it! I went over there last night to see my room and check out materials etc. I am stoked to be having my own class and put my learning into practice.

So, I admit. I still am not myself. It's true....I'm finding myself in a funk lately of sorts. It is kind of a stagnant funk....where I feel sort of "stuck" in my lack of socialness. It is hard to explain but I'm feeling it and it ain't fun. I guess that "discouraged" would be a fitting word to use. My Dad is still here, at Laine's house I mean. I am not sure how much longer he is going to stay.I have a better attitude about him being here. I did go out with him and Laine and Scott for Laine's birthday dinner and it was nice and I had a nice time and I didn't feel awkward or anxious at all. I think that my Dad is a good person, he has just made some different choices in his life. A part of me feels sad for him because he is 61 years old and he is still grieving over the loss of my step-mother last year, he doesn't know how to cook or do laundry for himself so he does very little of either, he doesn't eat particularly healthy or look after himself, he has withdrawn from his family and friends and he barely knows his kids....I just feel sad for him because I can see him going back to Winnipeg and still being as "lost" as he is now. He can barely make a decision.

Another part of me feels sad (for me and Laine and Eman) because my Dad is still the same person he always was. He still forgets our birthdays and can't ever admit to making a mistake (or even apologize for one) and doesn't make the effort to really get to know us and listen to what we say without making everything into a joke.....and I've come to realize that he is never going to change. He relates to us by joking around but doesn't seem to be capable of really listening to what we are saying (we always seem to have to tell him the same things over and over). I don't hate him and I am starting to accept now that this is who he is.....but sometimes it just doesn't seem fair that I am going to have to continue my life with perhaps some contact from someone that I can't trust and who will never be able to be a "parent". This is a sad realization. Maybe this is why I feel discouraged lately