It is Sunday evening and I am home on my own. Andrew is at a meeting. I have to go back to work tomorrow and I am not really wanting to. I'm starting to get tired of my job and the craziness of it all. I like 5 year olds, but my job would be easier if all of them had started at the same time instead of half my class having started this term. I struggle with challenging those that have been here since August and being able to support the other half of new ones that just started. I still have a couple who cry when their mom's leave and I have one that has never been to any sort of organized playgroup or anything and can't put her hand up to save herself (she ALWAYS calls out and it drives me nuts) and another who is new and is challenging in terms of behaviour and now it seems like my original ten are also off the wall, calling out and everything. I feel myself getting frustrated with them and raising my voice so much more because I am getting tired of it all. Tired of dealing with all of them and trying to keep my room looking tidy and dealing with elephant ankles (which seem to be a daily occurence) and heartburn (also a regular occurence....all day) and not getting enough sleep and then having to go to millions of meetings it seems....I am just getting tired and I'll be glad to be finished work. This job has been good for me, but it isn't my passion.

Yesterday Andrew and I went to the temple. I realized, almost as soon as we arrived, that I had forgotten my recommend. I am forgetting alot of things lately and I am so clumsy and it is SO FRUSTRATING because it is not like me. I got teary because I was so frustrated and disappointed with myself. I was disappointed that I couldn't go in and do a session because I was really looking forward to it. So I sat in the car and read an Ensign and then went into the Visitor's Centre and saw some people that I know and then went back to the car.

On the way back we stopped at the store called The Baby FActory to look at baby stuff. I have been on the hunt for cloth diapers (they call them "nappies" here but I stick to my Canadian lingo unless I am talking to a store clerk). I know, I know, it may seem really old school to use them, but they are better for the environment and they will save us money in the long run. So anyways, I've seen all kinds of new fangled diapers that have fancy covers and inserts etc. but they are super expensive! All I really want is to use the basic cloth diaper and pins and plastic pants that my mom used to use on us. Believe me, this has not been easy to find because all of the clerks want to sell you the new and fancy cloth diapers that only rich people can afford. I mean it's a diaper......who needs fancy? We found some old school fold up cloth ones and pins at the Baby Factory but they didn't sell any proper plastic pants. They lady who was helping us said that they don't make them anymore. Andrew and I were thinking "what?" How could they still be selling the cloth but nothing to cover it with? So we went to K-mart and found some plastic pants there....just the kind that I was looking for with the elasticized legs and waist and they were a decent price so we picked up some. Who knew that finding cloth diapers would be such a challenge?

We also looked at car seats and strollers (they call them "prams" here) and capsules (those baby seats for new borns) and stuff like that because these are going to be our biggest cost items. It was kind of fun to look at these things because it makes it all seem that much more real. We want to slowly get the things that we need before the baby actually comes so that we are prepared.

So after looking at this baby stuff I have come to the realization that I really don't know a lot about little babies and this is kind of frightening for me. I don't even know how to bath a newborn or wash its hair. How will I know how to make it comfy and put it in the stroller properly or the car seat properly? How on earth do I even fold coth diapers? What if they don't fit? How will I know if it is too cold or too hot? There are so many things like this that I just don't know about. I wish my mom was here to teach me these things. This is what mothers are supposed to do. Who is going to teach me? Who am I going to learn from? I don't know anything about being a mom.